a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
