and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
