He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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