I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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