Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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