High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
