i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
