Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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