she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
