Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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