Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
