walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
