she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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