I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
