If i could tip my vagina, i would.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
