I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it was like eating out sand paper
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
