Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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