I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
