the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sext me about skeletons
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
