He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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