apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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