Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
