I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
