I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
