God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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