shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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