thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
