So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
