You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
