How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
