Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
