I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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