in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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