tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
