Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
