he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
