just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
