i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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