I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
