I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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