I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
