pop tarts are not kleenex
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
