It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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