she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
organizing the empties. That sober.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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