This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
