Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
