She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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