Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
