It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
