I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Operation Purity has been aborted
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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