Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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