Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
