GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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