better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
