The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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