trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
