I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
