Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
