Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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