A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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