but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
