you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
