god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
